Rebuild Intimacy

As a pastor and marriage counselor who has served various congregations for over a decade, I have been approached on several occasions by couples seeking help with their marriages. The majority of couples who come to my office are on the verge of breaking up and want to know what they can do to keep their marriage together. They want to know how they can rekindle love in their loveless marriages and prevent them from falling apart.

If you’re in an unhappy marriage, know that you’re not alone. Many couples have had or are currently experiencing unhappy marriages. In her article “Unhappy Marriage? How to Survive and Thrive,” Merisa Moore highlights the prevalence of unhappy marriages, emphasizing that despite high divorce rates, many couples opt to persevere through their difficulties. She writes:

Unhappy marriages aren’t uncommon — just look at the most recent divorce rates. Yet for each couple that decides to divorce, several others decide not to and stick it out despite the unhappiness.

(Moore, 2023).

Over the years, I have discovered that marriage, like a garden, requires constant care and nourishment to blossom. While challenges and busy schedules can sometimes overshadow romance, nurturing that special spark is vital for a fulfilling and lasting Christian union. After all, a strong and loving marriage isn’t just good for you, your spouse, and your kids; it also sets a good example for your family and community.

In a marriage, losing the “loving feeling” doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. The key is to focus on forgiveness, empathy, and rebuilding the emotional connection rather than just trying to recapture the original “in love” feeling.

Here are four ways to restore love in a loveless marriage, based on scripture and practical observations:

1. Appreciation: The Language of Love

Do you remember Gary D. Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”? There is a reason why words of affirmation are at the top of Chapman’s list. He writes:

All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words.

(Chapman 2010, 40)

How does sincere appreciation for your spouse strengthen your marriage bond? Telling your spouse that you appreciate something they do, no matter how big or small, makes them feel good and validates their efforts. It demonstrates that you value the contributions they make to the relationship, which boosts their confidence and makes them feel more secure in the marriage.

Thanking your spouse for the things they do increases the likelihood that they will continue to do them.

As Tiffany Sauber Millacci observes in her article, “What is Gratitude and Why Is It So Important?,” expressing gratitude to your spouse can often inspire them to reciprocate, creating a positive feedback loop that keeps your relationship overflowing with good feelings. She writes:

People who are thanked are presumably more apt to extend help to others in the future. Likewise, people who are not thanked may not be expected to provide reciprocation in the future. The expression of gratitude is beneficial for both individuals and society.

(Millacci 2007).

The good book, the Bible, in Proverbs 12:25, reminds us of the power of our words:

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up. (Proverbs 12:25 NIV)

Another scripture reminds us of the importance of a timely word of encouragement:

A word spoken at the right moment—oh, how good it is! (Proverbs 15:23: ESV)

Take time to genuinely express your gratitude for your partner, both in private and in public. Celebrate their achievements, acknowledge their efforts, and let them know that their presence is a blessing in your life. Look for opportunities to:

• Publicly praise your partner: Did they make a delicious meal? Compliment their culinary skills in front of family or friends. Did they lend a helping hand to someone in need? Share their act of kindness on social media, tagging them with pride.
• Leave love notes hidden around the house: Surprise your spouse with a sweet message tucked in their lunchbox, stuck on the bathroom mirror, or left hidden among their clothes.
• Write a heartfelt letter: Take the time to pen down your love, gratitude, and appreciation for your spouse. This timeless gesture goes beyond a quick text and becomes a cherished keepsake.

I recently came across this verse in Proverbs (16:24) that really struck me:

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:24 NIV)

Think about that for a moment. Our words to our spouses have the power to heal and uplift.

Practical Tip: Create a habit of writing love notes or leaving small tokens of appreciation. Consider sharing your gratitude during prayer or dedicating a moment of reflection during family devotions to express your thankfulness for each other.

2. Small Acts of Kindness: Speak Louder Than Words

While expressing your love verbally is crucial, don’t underestimate the power of small, thoughtful gestures. Ralph Waldo is credited as saying, “What you do speaks so loudly that I can’t hear what you are saying.”

It’s true that deeds speak louder than words. This is especially true in Christian marriages, where kind deeds are a tangible manifestation of love that carries more weight than words.

Small acts of kindness are the glue that strengthens the bond in a marriage. They show your spouse that you care, that you are thinking of them, and that their well-being is important. It reinforces the sense of being loved and supported, which is necessary in any relationship.

Kind acts create a positive atmosphere that fosters trust and appreciation over time. This positive atmosphere helps you weather the inevitable challenges that may arise in your marriage.

When you cultivate a positive atmosphere in your marriage, it strengthens your bonds. Sanjana Gupta explores this concept in her article, “The Little Things in Relationships That Matter the Most: How to Show Your Partner that You Care.” She points out that small expressions of love can have a big impact, even contributing to “good for mental health and well-being.”

Random acts of kindness are often contagious. When you do something nice for your spouse, they are more likely to reciprocate the gesture. This creates a positive cycle and strengthens the relationship.

A scripture comes to mind:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” This is a beautiful description of love, emphasizing patience, kindness, and understanding – all key ingredients for a strong marriage.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

Here are some random acts of kindness you can do for your spouse to revive your marriage:

• Carve out quality time: Set aside dedicated time to sit and talk with your partner, sharing your thoughts, dreams, and concerns. Create a safe space for open communication, fostering an environment where both partners feel heard and understood. Put away your phones, turn off the TV, and simply be present with your spouse. Engage in meaningful conversations, listen actively, and share your thoughts and feelings without distractions.
• Surprise them with a thoughtful gift: It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Remember a hobby they mentioned, a book they wanted to read, or a small item that reminds you of them. Even a single flower picked on your morning walk can speak volumes. Going beyond words, surprise your spouse with thoughtful gestures—a handwritten note, a carefully chosen gift, or lending a helping hand with household chores.
• Help with household chores: Share the responsibilities without being asked. Pitch in with the dishes, mow the lawn, or offer to fold a load of laundry. Doing your part shows empathy and alleviates their burden.

By actively participating in each other’s lives, you build a foundation of trust and companionship.

Practical Tip: Plan a regular date night where you focus solely on each other. This could be a simple dinner at home or a more elaborate outing. Use this time to reconnect and strengthen your emotional bond.

3. Shared Experiences: Building Memories Together

In our fast-paced world, finding quality time together can be a challenge. However, intentionally investing time in your relationship is crucial for building romance. Whether it’s a weekend getaway, a quiet evening at home, or a shared hobby, prioritize moments that allow you to connect on a deeper level.

The Bible encourages us:

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 9:9: (ESV)

Creating shared experiences strengthens your bond and provides cherished memories to draw upon. Try these ideas:

• Volunteer together: Find a cause you both care about and give back to your community. Serving others together fosters connection and reminds you of shared values.
• Plan a weekend getaway: Escape the daily grind and reconnect in a new setting. Explore a charming town, hike a scenic trail, or simply enjoy a quiet staycation.
• Engage in shared hobbies: Do you both love photography? Take a class together. Enjoy cooking? Try a new recipe or plan a themed dinner party. Sharing activities you both enjoy deepens your understanding and creates lasting memories.

Practical Tip: Establish a weekly routine that includes dedicated time for each other. This could be a Sunday afternoon walk, a weekly dinner date, or a monthly adventure. Make a conscious effort to minimize distractions during these times, focusing on each other’s company.

4. Nurture Your Spiritual Connection

For a Christian couple, nurturing the spiritual aspect of the relationship is essential. Engage in shared prayer, Bible study, or attending church services together. This not only deepens your connection with God but also strengthens the bond between spouses.

As Christians, faith plays a central role in your lives. Deepen your spiritual connection together by:

• Pray together: Devote time each day or week to praying as a couple. Share your joys, concerns, and hopes with God, strengthening your individual and shared faith journey.
• Study the Bible together: Choose a passage, devotional, or Christian book to explore as a couple. Discussing your interpretations and learnings fosters spiritual growth and shared understanding.
• Attend church services or participate in faith-based activities: Make church attendance a priority and explore opportunities to serve within your community together.

The Bible in Hebrews 10:24–25 encourages us to spur one another. We read:

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Hebrews 10:24-25 NIV)

While this verse is primarily about believers coming together for encouragement and support, it also emphasizes the value of regular interaction and companionship. Another verse that stresses the benefit that comes from spending time together is Proverbs 27:17, which states:

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17 NIV)

Engaging in activities and conversations with our partners enhances our relationship and helps us become more like each other.

Practical Tip: Create a joint prayer list, including personal and shared intentions. Set aside time each day to pray together, seeking God’s guidance and blessings for your marriage. Attend couples’ retreats or workshops to further enhance your spiritual journey as a couple.

Bonus Tips:

• Communicate openly and honestly: Share your needs, desires, and concerns with your spouse. Active listening and honest communication are key to resolving challenges and building trust.
• Seek forgiveness and offer grace: We all make mistakes. Embrace forgiveness as a cornerstone of your relationship and extend grace to each other as you navigate life’s challenges.
• Celebrate your unique love story: Every couple has their own journey. Cherish your shared memories, inside jokes, and unique traditions that make your love story special.

Remember, building romance in your Christian marriage is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. By incorporating these simple yet meaningful actions into your daily lives, you keep the flame of love burning brightly and lay the groundwork for a strong, enduring bond. By doing this, you honor God and enrich your beautiful union.

Restoring a loveless marriage requires both intentionality and dedication. As you navigate the intricacies of married life, let love be the guiding force. As the Bible states, “above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

May your marriage journey be filled with love, laughter, and joy, reflecting the love of Christ in your everyday lives!

Reference List:

1. Chapman, Gary D. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. 2010, p. 40.
2. Emerson, Ralph Waldo. “What you do speaks so loudly that I can’t hear what you are saying.” Forbes, forbes.com/quotes/7727/
3. Gupta, Sanjana. “The Little Things in Relationships That Matter the Most: How to Show Your Partner That You Care.” Very Well Mind, verywellmind.com/the-little-things-in-relationships-that-matter-the-most-6891165.
4. Millacci, Tiffany Sauber. “Gratitude and Appreciation: What’s the Difference?” PositivePsychology.com, 2007, positivepsychology.com/gratitude-appreciation/.
5. Moore, Merisa. “Unhappy Marriage? How to Survive and Thrive.” PsychCentral, 2023, psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-survive-in-an-unhappy-marriage-and-thrive.

About the Author

Pastor Martin Kiogora is a certified marriage counselor who has ten years of experience counseling couples in Kenyan churches and communities. He has a background in Christian Theology and Counseling and is passionate about helping couples navigate the challenges and joys of marriage.